The Spicy Artist

Let’s kick this off with me completely being stripped down… emotionally this time.

Coming off the heels of one of the deepest “dark nights of the soul” cycles of life yet, sitting criss-cross apple sauce on my bed in Nicaragua pondering the last year of my life, 2024 had shown me a version of me I didn’t know existed. I had been; for months, pondering about what’s next for me, my community, & students. So many nights where I laid awake, taking slow drags of my night time “peace”, my mind would circle to the question every time, “What’s next?”. And not a small project type of next, but a true…”How am I showing up? How am I of service to others?”. I had millions of ideas, no fuel behind them. I wasn’t ready to create a yoga retreat; like I had planned, for the end of the year. I knew I needed a break from hosting & that I didn’t have much in my cup to give at this time. Between moving out of our home in Florida, packing up my entire life, creating & finalizing my yoga retreat in Guatemala, & moving to Nicaragua; I was also facing emotional, physical, mental battles. I was spreading myself thin while simultaneously not honoring the fact that I am no longer this creature that invites change with open arms but that I have suddenly grown to crave routine, control, stability. Maybe my frontal lobe finally developed or my life in Florida was truly, one of comfort. Regardless, the change was not only necessary… it was nonnegotiable in a sense.

I was refusing to get stuck.

I was in the midst of truly learning & accepting on a much deeper level that to create a new life for yourself, everything that you once were… dies. That when you allow yourself to evolve, you will be forced to sit with many uncomfortable truths, & then execute even more uncomfortable actions.

Last year I came to the realization that I wasn’t ready to be comfortable in Florida. I far from ready to settle for life in suburbia when I still had monumental dreams to achieve. I didn’t want to slip into what I had feared all of these years, which was letting my dreams drift off some place so unreachable that it became exactly that, only a dream. I had spent years traveling the world & simultaneously exploring myself & I was still connected to that fire.

I wanted a life where I had portal opening sex & glassy waves for breakfast, to check my bank account with ease & my wealth was so abundant it over flows into the pockets of my loved ones. I wanted afternoons with girlfriends over looking the sunset & not being able to decipher whether my heart was warm from the sun, the red wine, or the deep conversations, & laughter. I wanted days so slow I didn’t know when one ended or began because they beautifully all connected into one peaceful realm of reality. I wanted a life that pushed my boundaries as a human being yet excited my inner child. I wanted my divine feminine to run nude & wild in turquoise waters, & to spend hours writing from the depths of her soul. I wanted peace to be my baseline factory setting. I wanted to tend to a garden, create businesses, drip in wealth & orgasms, & pursue all of my heart desires.

This… this was a mission I was so deeply connected to… & now; fast forward; I had bought land in Nicaragua in 2023, forcing me to go back to where I had felt so pulled to call home.

I was ready to move, I was ready to leave. I didn’t know that in doing so… I was leaving parts of myself I hadn’t confronted in a long time, I was unearthing fears that I had neglected many moons prior.

So here we are, many months later in the viscous jungle of Playa Maderas, Southern Nicaragua. Feeling free of responsibility & open to receive all that these enchanted waters had to offer. Yet, after the initial high of the move wore off; existential dread crept in.

"What the actual fuck am I doing?” was stamped like a banner, across the front of my consciousness. No one could see it but me. Like a disease that slowly attacks you from the core & reaches its tentacles into every crevice. I started to realize that my dread was turning into a form of depression that I didn’t think could ever metastasize in a spirit as high-octane as mine. It started to seep into every fiber of my being. My workouts turned from a daily routine to a bi-weekly novelty. My diet went from nourishment to survival, & my conversations with loved ones went from a highlight to a chore.

It was easy to allow this virus to take form, I was hiding in the jungle away from all & everyone that I know.

No one would know…

No one could help.

It was weeks of what I had decided to call “my deep rest”; which is exactly what it was, rest. Rest for my spirit to regain strength. Rest for my soul to acclimate and digest all the change & discomfort I had experienced. Rest to heal what has been suppressed.

Weeks passed & as I was sitting; one shin in front of the other, I felt the sudden urge to move my body. Movement to me is prayer, celebration, devotion, a dance, a sacred act of gratitude. So to be so sedentary was not only foreign, it was saddening. I knew this urge that has suddenly returned, couldn’t be wasted. I needed to act now. This was my chance to begin shedding my deep rest & reborn a-new.

This was my chance to awaken.

I sprinted upstairs & rolled out my mat with that familiar sensation of home. I strapped my ankle weights on as if I was preparing for battle, & quickly made a playlist that I knew would keep my spirit highs & soothing melodies to bring me down when it was needed.

Within minutes of movement, a fire ignited that was so fierce, it felt as though I was shedding a layer of skin that no longer belonged to me. Actually; better yet, I was ripping that layer off myself.

I felt powerful, unstoppable, creative, magnetic, I felt spicy.

As I contorted, danced, & sweat; there it came. Like a lightning rod driving directly through the center of my skull.

An idea. The idea. I kept allowing this idea to take form with every thrust in motion & every bead of sweat to drop. So many adjectives for this idea kept circulating around me like a cartoon character who was knocked unconscious.

Writer, Teacher, Creator, Sensual Photography,… “An Artist?!?!..” Such a cliche of an artist having imposter syndrome of their talents & refusing to call themselves what they are. For years I never knew what I was, but whatever I was, I loved it & felt as though one is infinite & not confined to a label. BUT if I HAD to…

Everything I have ever done & wanted to pursue suddenly cascaded under this term;” The Spicy Artist”, like a peaceful yet powerful waterfall. That’s exactly as I had felt all this time, a force of nature that hadn’t been watered in some time. It had finally rained & I was ready to pour all my love, knowledge, tools, & spice into this new born concept. A lifestyle?… A movement?… Definitely not another fucking podcast. God no. I am a writer, a teacher of yoga, sculpt, pilates, I host Yoga & Surf retreats, & I have an ‘Onlyfans’. I don’t know about you but The Spicy Artist had a ring so sweet, it felt as though Nicaraguan blue jays sang it directly to me.

A blog?!?!…Where I can share my raw writings as I used to on Instagram, where I can share travel stories, post my retreats, start conversations around sex, divinity, wellness, adventure, heart break, orgasms, trust, & self, a place to create a community, & have my Youtube readily accessible to everyone on here?!?!?!?!

All in the midst of my workout, this new born idea grew legs.

I laid in; what most people would consider foul but I find delicious, a pool of my sweat. Laying in the bliss of my earned endorphins, celebrating the freed cobwebs that no longer restricted my gifts. Surrendering to the fruition of this beautiful idea… it honestly felt like a homecoming. It wasn’t a coming to Jesus moment because this idea came from the deepest depths within me you see.

It came from in between my thighs while I was pulsing in a squat…

it came from my divine.

It’s been the most exciting yet terrifying experience yet creating this for you. Here we will be talking about EVERYTHING, creating memories, allowing ourselves to show up wholly & human, leveling up our wellness & fitness, & so much more. We are just starting to scratch the surface. If you’ve made it this far then you are exactly where you need to be. This might mean that you are a Spicy Artist too. This is the space for those who never knew where they fit because they were so much of everything… not just one thing. This is the space for those who always craved more, fought for their freedom & uniqueness & never conformed. This is the capsule to be held in the raw truths & potential.

I am truly so happy that you are here.

Before I end this first official blog post for T.S.A. (The Spicy Artist ™), I want to thank you. I wouldn’t be here without you. Even if its just a like on a post, or you go to my yoga classes, a TikTok video, maybe we met once in a bar bathroom, maybe you kissed me once, or you one day want to come to a retreat… whatever brought you here doesn’t matter to me because you are welcome, you are seen, & I am grateful for you.

thank you

i see you

i am so excited

WELCOME…